Social Media Ain’t For Old Niggas

Being at home a lot (read: unemployed) has allowed me to get a different view of my family, in particular my Mom. My Mom is undoubtedly the most important and influential person in my life — I mean the lady birthed me and that’s gotta count for somethin’. My Mom is my best friend, protector, doctor, ATM, last nerves gettin’ on-er, and so much more. She is invaluable and supportive of me and our family. With that said, however, we have spent a lot of time together and I’ve noticed habits, tendencies, and awkward things about my Mom (and I’m 1000% sure she has done the same for me as well). One thing, in particular, that really grinds my gears is my Mom’s proliferate use of Facebook! I say Facebook because Lord know I may just throw my whole phone away if she ever got on Instagram (I’m not on Twitter & Snapchat, I’m too old for that shit). But, she isn’t alone as many older relatives, family friends, and church friends are on Facebook as well. Consequently, this has led me to unequivocally believe that social media wasn’t made for old niggas and we (your children and grandchildren) gotta do something now to stop this foolishness.

Every morning at around 7:15am I know when my Mom is up for the day because she is playing some loud (volume on 100 because she’s old) ass video of somebody’s cousins fighting, strolling on the yard, or imitating their auntie (your mama) at church on Sundays. If not that, it’s old music videos like Whitney Houston singing the “Star Spangled Banner” or James Ingram crooning “Just Once.” There’s no back to sleep or waiting for your alarm compared to that daily wake up call. Then, I’ve seen her scroll her timeline and literally look at or click on EVERY gotdamn thing on there. And we wonder why online scam are thriving businesses because these old niggas click on EVERY THING! Like, wasn’t she the one that told me to be a leader and not a follower? Yes. So, she needs to take her own advice and start being the Harriet Tubman of old nigga social media etiquette and keep scrolling if it doesn’t look appealing. These posts aren’t the rings on Sonic or Super Mario Bros. Y’all are out here clicking and catch every virus and scam known to man — y’all are a digital hot zone only I don’t have Dustin Hoffman or Renée Russo to save me from your digital ebola. Somehow, though, y’all can’t bother to hit scan on your Norton Antivirus or hold the home screen to kill your apps. Well ain’t that somethin’!

Then, I realize that old niggas love, I mean LOVE, forwarding a chain message or writing in all caps or bitmoji-ing the hell out of the comments section. All I can say is that in another life I should be the richest and most prayed over person, along with my 10 other friends who got the same blessing, with the yelling authority of the face of my Mama, aunties, & nem. I feel like one of the children from those Children Defense Fund commercials where for every chicken wing eaten, an old nigga forwards an unsolicited chain message to their child or family member (ME). Jesus be a message filtering algorithm.

Lastly, old niggas stay sharing or reposting articles and posts from 5 years ago or something from the Umar Johnson school of thought. Either way, I’m over here looking at them like, “do you not see the date on this post?” Why have readers on, if you don’t hold up your end of the bargain?

I say all this to vent about something that I and I’m sure many of you experience. No, I have absolutely not expectation for my Mom (or yours) to stop any of this. In fact, I fully expect my Mom to, both, laugh and pop me upside the head after reading this and thinking that I cuss to damn much (notice the irony). I just want to make fun of my Mom and y’all old niggas because it’s how I show my love. Plus, I fully expect my Mom to scroll and click on this scam article and forward this to her 10 friends right now.

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Cleveland | 30 | Seeking to make small change with my words and thoughts. More material available on The East by West

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